Wednesday, 27 June 2012

Is it really about cake?

I’m getting so frustrated and angry with myself at the moment, why can’t I just accept what is in front of me and let go of every thing that isnt importnat? And why does it seem like everything that wouldn't normally be important is a hugely massive deal?
Baby Girl is being blessed on Sunday, a blessing is our version of a Christening, it’s been a long time coming and due to an avoidable circumstances, the date has had to be chnaged several times, as has the location!

I really wanted to have a party after with family and friends to celebrate my daughter, but the logistics were just stressing me out, and as we are now having the blessing in my parent’s ward in Weston, our friends from our Branch in Evesham are unable to attend. It's really not a big deal, but it feels like it is.

We've decided on a small family gathering with family who are travelling to Weston instead. I want to make a cake for her; after all it is what I did before I became so ill. I should be able to make a cake for my own child, but the more I think about doing it the more tired I get and I realise that at the moment its just beyond me. It should be such a big deal, I can just buy one right? But it feels like a massive deal. I feel like a failure for not being able to even make a simple cake for my daughter. 

In all honesty, it feels like such a big thing I've even considered re arranging it yet again, waiting till I'm a little better in a few more months time and can do this one simple thing for her, all because of a stupid cake that doesn't even matter. 

Then I realise, this frustration, this annoyance, this feeling liek a failure, isnt really about cake. its about what the cake represents. Its about what I used to be able to do, and what I can do now. Its about this illness that seems to have robbed me of my life. This illness that no one can see, no one can cure, no one can make better and for much of the time it feel like no one understands. Its not about the cake, it's about the CFS/ME


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