Thursday, 15 August 2013

Can I back out?

These past few weeks I've watched as supermarkets unveil their 'back to school' sections, full of uniforms, stationary and every thing you could possibly ever need for going back to school. And I've felt sick looking at it.

I've heard Uni's being discussed in hushed tones in the isles, 'I'll need to get some new stationary for uni...if I get in' one girl said, 'i'll wait for my results'. And I've felt sick.

Adverts are popping up on TV for various places, 'its not too late to apply' they boast, 'we have the best social life around' or 'results not quite what you want, see how we can help'. And with each advert I see, a wave of nausea sweeps over me.

My inbox has been receiving emails from the Open University with increasing frequency declaring things like 'are you ready' and 'join our forums and get excited', and I feel sick.

Today I've watched as young adults open their A level results. I watched as university places were read out, I've seen these kids laugh and cry with happiness and with sadness as they realise they got in or didn't get in to first choice uni's. I've watched as helplines are announced and back up plans are spoken about. Words such as UCAS and clearing have been branded about. And I just want to run away, hide, stick my fingers in my ears and sing 'lalalala'.

Today I cant get away from it all, everywhere I turn people are talking about university, where they are going and what they are studying. Twitter is awash with congratulatory tweets and commiserations. I feel sick reading them. The doubts are starting to creep in. What if I'm not good enough? Why am I doing this? Surely I'm too old to go to uni now? What's the point, I'm only going to fail. If I pull out now I'll save a lot of time and money.

My stomach feels like its tied in a million knots and there is definitely something sat on my chest. The excitement I felt when I enrolled back in May has evaporated and I'm left with the anxiety. I'm trying not to think about it, to ignore it and pretend its not happening, but today there are little reminders everywhere I turn.

Why am I doing this? Is it too late to back out?


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