Wednesday, 2 October 2013

Hello!

Hello, I've not been around for a while. It hasn't been deliberate, I've just...well... I've been avoiding you. I love my blog, and I love what I have achieved with, it but if I'm completely honest when things get tough its the last place I want to be. I don't want to sit here day after day telling you how bad things are so I try to put more good here, and when times get tough I end up stepping away.

I've really missed my blog these past few weeks, I've missed the readers comments and the friends I have made through it, so its time to jump back in and I guess I should start by letting you know why I've been away.

I'm pregnant. The Husband and I are thrilled to be expecting another child, but that's just it. My history. For those that don't know, despite having 2 adorable girls, this is pregnancy number 9. As much as I want to be excited about baby number 3, as much as we want to be jumping for joy and planning the nursery and thinking about names, I just can't muster the energy. All that I can think about is the 6 babies that haven't been born. The 6 that I have got to this stage with, then for whatever reason have died.

Having a miscarriage robs you of the early excitement and joy of having an amazing secret. It robs you of the wonder of pregnancy as you marvel at this little tiny thing growing in your tummy. In its place I'm left with fear, worry and paranoia. Yesterday I started bleeding and rather than thinking about it rationally I went in to panic, convinced this was the end of yet another pregnancy. Thankfully its not, this morning I was scheduled for another scan anyway and was able to see the very strong heart beat of my 8 week old baby.

Pregnancy after miscarriage plays with your mind. Every little feeling is terrifying, every stretch of the uterus I worry it's the end of the pregnancy, every time I wake up and don't feel sick or don't feel that utterly exhausting tiredness when I 'normally' would convinces me that the pregnancy is over. I feel I am just waiting, waiting for it all to end at any moment.

Some say 8 weeks is too early to talk about pregnancy, some say you'll jinx it or I've even heard individuals say you deserve to miscarry if you talk about your pregnancy before 12 weeks, but that doesn't scare me. I know the pain of a miscarriage. I know the heartache of having to tell people that the baby you so desperately wanted has died. I also know the pain of keeping quiet while innocent and perhaps thoughtless comments are thrown around when no-one knows the pain you are going through. I know which I prefer.
I know there is nothing I can do to stop a miscarriage happening and I know that talking about this pregnancy will not cause a miscarriage, My baby's heart is not going to stop beating because I tell someone that she/he exists.

Today I am pregnant. The baby has a very strong heart beat and is in a perfect position away from the dangers that await him or her in my uterus (I might blog more on that later!) Over the next few weeks, few months and hopefully the duration of the pregnancy I will blog. I know from experience I don't enjoy pregnancy at any stage, for me its not a time to glow and be all "earth mother". Its an endurance test, a means to an end and the baby is the very bright light at the end of what is a very long and dark tunnel. So if your looking for a happy, upbeat version of pregnancy your looking in the wrong place! I will be honest about my journey and I will let you into the crazy thoughts of my crazy head during this crazy, horrible and difficult time.

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